Do You Know?

Some days I wish I hadn't tried so hard to be a man. To try make a mark on my universe and take hold of my own destiny. Wouldn't it be nice to have it made. To be a subservient little housewife. To know your place and stay there, in perfect content until the day you die.



I finally understand why some people choose live so sublimely in their bubble of comfort with nothing to strive for. In a world in which you think there is justice and stability and safety, as far as you're concerned, there's no injustice to be enraged at, no balance to tip over, no cause worth fighting for. In a world where everything around you tells you that there is peace, there is nothing to fuss over except yourself. What you want. What you need. The creases in yourself that you want to iron out. Constant preening and pruning for some, overblown self-analysis for others. Everyone is so preoccupied with themselves that when an injustice stares them in the face, they can quite easily turn away.

Sometimes I feel like the world is sick. The stupid thing is that I don't know how sick it really is. I have a limited imagination of horror.

I'm not particularly rich. I never have been, but we get by. Being where I am is supposed to be the start of something big. If something goes wrong I have no cushion to fall on. I haven't got parents to sponge off until I get off my arse and work. This is it. At the same time I have no wish to be rich. I can see all these issues staring me in the face and I can't look away. Going to try fix them involves not being paid. But some twisted law of the universe dictates that you need some money to be happy. Hell, I need money to even help people.

Heh, job first. I get very angry when people make it sound like this progression in life is supposed to be easy, well, it really isn't. I haven't even got a husband to pick up the slack for me if it doesn't work out. I'm gonna have to pay for my own house, my own car, my own babies. And don't even get me started on what I'm gonna do with those babies. How safe is your job (really) if you take maternity leave? In many ways I have to be a man, but the truth is, I'm still just a girl.

And then I remember those girls in their bubbles. They've known exactly what they are all along.