I Won't Even Start.

David Choi is my favourite artist on youtube. He is famous for not smiling. EVER. But his voice is lovely. After all the videos of just him and his guitar, he's made an actual music video! Hooray!

(Wong Fu Productions also made that Yellow Fever video! :p)

And The World Carries On

Something strange happened today. I looked at all those photos from last year, and nothing happened.

Nothing happened.

It's just another story. It happened with someone else, to someone else. It doesn't change who I am.

I can close the book now.

The Things I've Done

It's astounding, the things I've done to try and forget you.

It annoys me greatly to see that you might have already forgotten.

Or maybe you're pretending, just like me.

Dream a scene to brighten face

What I've realised is that I don't really blog for other people, I just blog for myself. It's a way of trying to restore order in chaos and at times take a snapshot of the madness.

There are things that my friends and some people know of, which haven't been able to settle with me lately. After something that happened today, I think it really is time to get on.

In my room are several empty photo albums. They are empty because I can never find the time to choose which out of my many (by many I mean more than 10,000) photos to print and make into a piece of crafstwomanship that is worth keeping in that format. At this moment I am on Snapfish about to upload all your photos (not that you're even reading) so I can send them for printing.

An interesting theory about people that show up in our life is that they appear only for the purpose that you prayed they would. They only feature in this motion picture for the cameo or supporting character you needed to fill in at the time, and a lot of the time they fulfill their purpose, and leave the storyline.

It's only a theory.

Although perhaps some memories are meant to remain just that, as memories. Memories that collect dust on the shelf.

This dusty snapshot is going to be only of you. I don't know if it will help me, but I have to bury you somehow.

In our short years we come long way

To treat it bad and throw away

And if we make a little space

A science fiction showcase

In our short film, a love disgrace

Dream a scene to brighten face

In our short years we come long way

To treat it bad, just to throw it away

I want you to be free

Don’t worry about me

And just like the movies

We play out our last scene

You wont cry, I wont scream

Of all the words..

My heart breaks every time I leave you with a bad feeling. Like when I've bumped into you and we part having not spoken a word. It's like someone's holding a hand over my mouth, and I'm screaming against asphyxiation.

With Every Heartbeat

We could keep trying
But things will never change
So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

- Robyn, Live Lounge version

Words

I just got off the phone from trying to be as normal as possible. I realised that all I had in my power to make the situation better was words. I can either decide to hold back the truth, and keep it all inside, or speak to my heart's content. So I spoke as if all my problems were just matter-of-fact, open to interpretation, and ready for some remedy to be cast upon them. The means of solving all my problems come from within myself, and I know that. I guess I have to want it enough. But if I want a little help from other people, I need to leave the door open, because people can't always help you when you've decided you need them.

Words are all I have left to keep it alive. But words don't come as easy as they used to when they were new. Old words come out of me instead. The only new words I have talk about myself, because that's all thats been changing. And I am always in question about whether people want to hear about me.

Especially since you never ask.

Having a certain Boyzone song in mind, I googled "Words". Putting some of the results together gave me this:

These words are my own

From my heart flow

It's only words

and words are all I have

to take your heart away.

Now I know,

That I can't make you stay.

But where's your heart?

And I know

There's nothing I can say.

To change that part.

This world has lost its glory,

let's start a brand new story now, my love.

Erase and Rewind

"Your heart is the most precious thing I have."
..So why'd you shatter it?
"If you can tell me that you love me too then that would be okay. I'd be okay."
But I'm not okay.

Yes, I said it's fine before
I don't think so no more
I said it's fine before

Many things were said and done. You said you meant all of them.

I've changed my mind;

But it's like they were never said at all.

I take it back;

I said I meant all of the things I said.

Erase and rewind;

All of them except one.

'cause I've been changing my mind;

This is no longer enough.
I've changed my mind.

Answers

Me: Why doesn't he love me?
Fatema: Because he's a potato.

...

I have never been so justifiably angry at someone in my entire life.

Lost Like Tears In Rain

Cause I'm a thousand miles away
And I'm out of oxygen
And now I'm, falling faster than I'd like to be,
And I'm closer to the skies,
Than I'll ever to be to you again
Find the exit signs and disappear.


Some things don't,
Some things don't,
Some things don't,
Some things don't,

Change
Fall

Patience

It's not really something I've really mastered. I've been known to tolerate things most can't stand 5 minutes of, I've known to stop and listen to people when there's no benefit for me, I can stand this job which I know I don't find particularly enthusing. I can take the time to do things properly and I spend hours fruitlessly trying to understand all sorts of things. The one thing I cannot seem to do is WAIT.

I cannot wait. I just cannot do it. I cannot wait and sit and wait and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for something, or someone, to come along at the time I'm expecting it. I cannot wait for something to happen when it can happen now. I cannot wait for the right time, or the better time, or another time, or a later time. When it comes to things that involve me, and usually just me, I cannot wait. When they involve other people, I'm tolerant because I have to be, but inside I'm dancing on a hot tin roof of impatience.

At the moment, my impatience is wearing down. There is a now an attainable timescale in which things may come to fruition, and some cases end, and I will be all the better for it when it does.

This has got to be the longest summer I've ever had.

So...

I'm home. Unfortunately. Why do the people I want to be with most always have to be somewhere that I'm not?

To Be Perfectly Honest

I am quite sick of this.

I hate waking up and wondering where you are.

I hate tapping my phone to see if there's anything else but my wallpaper.

I hate listening to songs that are telling me nothing.

Nothing about now, or the future, or where I'm going.

I hate going through the motions, the same cycles, the same feelings.

I hate all of this.

And to be even more honest, I will be glad to leave this all behind.

For now.

I think its quite annoying

that you could think that someone's so totally amazing, name a hundred and eleven different reasons for them being so amazing, and still not be quite sure why you do.

Limbo

Having jumped the hurdle of first year and teetering on the edge of the second, I was hoping that this time of transition would be something of use to me. Instead, I'm hovering between yesterday and tomorrow, feeling the same way day in and day out, simply willing the days and hours and minutes and seconds to move on.

 

I feel I'm caught stuck in the middle of nowhere. In limbo, just waiting. Waiting for some inevitability to happen that I can't even yet predict.

 

Here, there is nothing. No science, no progress, not even a way back to the start. The things I wanted to do, and be, and feel are not going to be accomplished here.

 

The worst thing is, this applies to nearly every aspect of my life at the minute.

 

I feel sick. Sick of what I lost, and what I still don't have.

Summer is Here

You know summer is here when:

• you're suddenly out every day and spending too much money as a consequence
• the feeling of stress is only a memory
• everything seems so much better because the sun is out
• you pick out your nicest clothes to go nowhere in particular
• thunderstorms don't even dampen your spirits
• old friends suddenly resurface in your company while your new friends are away
• recalling old memories turn into new ones

I like summer. But I'm going to miss the people I've met this year. It's heartbreaking.

Why

..do I get shy?

Words come less easy
And I suddenly become willing to please.
I cannot take it
It becomes very hard to break
Away from my stare;
I cannot compare thee to a summer's day
Since I cannot look away
From the sun; it's so very bright when we lie
In the grass just you and I.

Today.

Yesterday, my time wasn't very productive at all. I went out for about 5 hours: 2 travelling, 1 shopping, 2 "studying". I then gave up and didn't do much for the rest of the night, watched tv and ate Laksa Johor [mmmmmm].

I finally managed to tell Him how I feel about things. I guess I wasn't able to before because in my head the things I felt seemed unreasonable. But as time went on I still felt that way, so I must do for a reason. I finally managed to draw out more rational reasons when He confronted me yesterday. So I suppose it wasn't so irrational after all. As to how he's taking it, I'm not very sure.

On a lighter note:

I smell of smoke.
My hair is full of beer.
My legs are bruised.
I need a shower.
I've been on my feet for about 10 hours.
But was it the best fun ever!!

I am of course talking about Give it a Name 07 at Earl's Court. It was pretty awesome. There were ALOT of bands I ashamedly do not know, but good chance to listen to some new music. In my experience with my camera, there is not point making a video because there's a lot of noise and the music never comes through. So, we shall have to make do with photos:








I thought it looked more exciting in a slideshow.

By the end of the night, my shoes looked like this:



My legs are a bit bruised because people stepped back on them lol. But tis allll good. Okay I'm going to some work now!! 4 weeks to learn a whole year. Let's Go!!